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Caring for Elderly Parents
by Marie
Duffoo 9/24/09
Most of us reach a point when care giving does a "180". We, as the adult children,
must now turn the tables and focus on caring for our parents. It is the natural progression
of life. It is a topic of conversation avoided at all costs, yet necessary at the
same time. It is a topic that many parents choose to bring up as they explain to us
that they don't want to be a burden and give us options on how to handle "things"
as time goes on.
As their loving and supportive children, we promise them there is nothing to worry
about and they will always be loved and cared for (even if it means totally disrupting
our lives to do so).
What happens, however, when our lives are disrupted and it's not even our own parents
that need to be cared for? What would happen if you suddenly learned your mother in
law was moving in? A woman you don't really know well or even have a viable relationship
with. A woman who now needs constant care and your husband has determined that you,
as his wife, will provide all the care she needs.
These situations, and situations very similar, are happening frequently all over.
Wives all over are baulking at the added stress and responsibility. A responsibility
they weren't consulted on, they didn't sign up for, a responsibility they have little
interest in, and certainly a responsibility they have no extra time for.
A husband, on the other hand, who is being cajoled by his wife to let her mother move
in is frequently upset at the situation. It's another mouth to feed, added expenses
and responsibility, and a woman who might never have even liked him is now always
less than 500 feet away taking time away from him and the family.
How do families cope when it comes time to provide care for an in-law who needs to
move in? Not well. More frequently than not it's the wife who is chartered with the
care for her mother in law. Care she has no interest or time or experience in providing.
Toileting, bathing, feeding, preparing special meals, arranging doctor's visits, changing
bedding due to incontinence, and even physical therapy are not always welcome additions
to anyone's already crammed schedule. Add problems like dementia and children in the
house who need to rearrange their entire lives, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Having anyone move into one's home is stressful. Even the occasional out of town guest
can create problems. Having a relative move in permanently can create havoc, causing
problems that couldn't have been foreseen. No matter how close you might be to this
person, it is never completely pleasant. If you aren't close to this person, it can
and does cause issues from family fights over giving up a bedroom, to divorce.
When a couple is discussing whether moving in a parent is a good idea, there are many
issues at stake. The decision that a parent is better off in a son's home than a nursing
home or other resident care facility should only be made when the entire family is
taken into consideration. Bringing Mom into a situation where half the family doesn't
want her there is not the best solution - for anyone.
In years gone by when women were typically "homemakers" without outside jobs, it was
common to combine families. At the turn of the century extended families living under
one roof were common. A married daughter wouldn't necessarily move out and in with
her husband. It was standard practice for the husband to move in until the new couple
could establish their own lives. In many situations, the home was large and spacious
and there was no reason to have the young couple move out. As time went on and the
parents aged, it was never an issue for the daughter and her husband to provide whatever
care was necessary to the parents.
Fast forward to the 21st century and things are different. Women have jobs,
careers, outside interests. Many don't even know how to cook. They have no time to
themselves between their jobs, the kids, the husband, the house, the pets, and unplanned
emergencies that must be dealt with. These same women are already stretched beyond
normal limits. Add another responsibility and they reach the breaking point. If they
can reach this breaking point with just caring for their present responsibilities
(e.g., hubby has surgery and the wife needs to take unplanned and unpaid time off
from work to care for him), it's worse when the added responsibility isn't even, well,
their responsibility.
Husbands frequently assume that when their mom or dad needs round the clock care,
"they" will be there. But in actuality, "they" aren't. It's their wives who are expected
to take care of everything. Husbands are uncomfortable bringing their mothers to the
bathroom and putting them in the shower, but the wives really aren't too interested
in this either. It takes a lot of love to bring an adult to the bathroom and help
them with their clothing and personal hygiene, and to bathe someone. It takes a very
special person to do this for someone she might not even have a relationship with.
Before assuming that Mom or Dad will be better off in your home than in a nursing
home, think of the ramifications for everyone involved. You may have the best intentions
in the world, but it could go horribly wrong. After all, do you want to have to tell
your Mom after a few months that things just aren't working out? Or worse, do you
want to face a divorce because the only way to get rid of this responsibility is to
get rid of them all?
Before selling your parent's belongings and putting their house on the market, have
a family meeting and find out how everyone feels. Forcing someone into this type of
commitment just won't work, no matter whether they are 10 or 55. A teenage girl who
now needs to share her bathroom with yet one more person, or a boy who refuses to
sleep in the basement so grandma can have his room, will definitely add fuel to the
fire if plans go forth. You can't force anyone to accept a situation they aren't comfortable
with, certainly not for the long term.
Don't make the wrong decision for the wrong reason. Mom and Dad may very well be better
off in a nursing home or other accommodation that doesn't add stress to your life.
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