LFC Article - Verbal Abuse

A Look At Verbal Abuse

An abusive home is a dysfunctional home. The abuser is not feeling tenderly toward his victim when he abuses them, he feels insecure, fearful of losing control of his situation. He thinks he can control the victim's behavior through threats, blaming and violent language. Messages of abuse may contain the word "love," but it is nearly always followed by a qualifier: "I love you, but.you make me mad when you.," or "I love you so much it makes me." Those are not words of love, they are words of control.

The majority of abusers are known to their victims; they are members of the victim's family, a parent or close relative. Oddly enough, while the majority of verbal abusers are male, both men and women practice physical abuse and neglect on their children at about the same rate. Verbal abuse nearly always precedes physical abuse, so anyone who has suffered physical abuse or neglect is likely to have suffered verbal abuse as well.

Living with an abuser is not pleasant, but as long as there is no actual physical violence, the victim may be come so accustomed to it that their only reaction is a vague stab of resentment. Then their well-developed defense justifications come to the rescue: "He doesn't really mean it" (he does), "It was actually my fault; if I change, so will he" (he won't). The victim has adjusted to the abuse.

In regard to male verbal abuse of their female mates, Patricia Evans, author of Verbal Abuse, Survivors Speak Out, suggests if you are a victim of verbal abuse, that you start a log of abusive incidents that caused you to feel resentment or anger (even if diminished or concealed). Document the abuse; write down all you can remember of the incident, especially the words of the abuser. If it won't put you in danger, tape record it. Then read it over: does it sound like a conversation between two people who love each other?

As to the behavior of the abuser, is this the first time you've seen this behavior, or is it the same old script you've been hearing for months, or years? Did the abuser seem to be listening actively to you and trying to understand what you are saying?

Evans writes, "Abusive men will stop at nothing to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, ignore, snub, sneer at, and when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates." These displays may include profanity, insults ("you're so stupid/ugly/low class no one would want you"), threats against the victim or her children or family, or threats that they will leave the family destitute or take the children away where the victim cannot reach them. They may brag that they are educated and morally perfect while the victim is not. This is an attempt to destroy her pride in herself, and cast her into a subservient role.

No one knows what causes abuse, but it is more likely to occur in homes where there is alcohol or drug abuse. This may lead, or perhaps already has led, to problems with family members, neighbors, or police, causing increased stress and tension. Almost any problem with finances, mental or physical health or even such trivial issues as who controls the TV remote can lead to an outburst of verbal abuse.

An abuser may feel that he is entitled to abuse, and the victim may be persuaded by the abuser that she is actually the person he describes and that she should take the blame for the incident, especially if she is not an assertive person. The best thing she can do is to see a therapist to find out why she allows her mate to behave that way toward her.

Susan Rand has been writing, editing, teaching and mentoring beginning and experienced writers for 40 years. She invites you to visit her website at pygmypress.com and take advantage of these services.