by Angelica
Candelaria 7/11/08
Throughout decades of musical exploration, I have probed the depths and nuances of
songs ranging from the sublime to the silly. As a small child I would sit in my parents'
living room and quietly listen to their vinyl records and 8-track tapes, predominantly
consisting of Spanish-speaking recording artists. Occasionally, the likes of Blondie
and Gloria Gaynor would seep through into the mixture, coloring my audio tapestry.
As I was progressively exposed to radio, I was confronted by a sobering realization:
there was a plethora of songs--questionable in quality--invading the airwaves, and
many of us enjoyed them.
The list of songs I am too embarrassed to admit fondness for is extensive. I speak
of those tunes you clandestinely listen to and relish on your car or home stereo.
You publicly denounce them as pseudo-artistic atrocities and feign gritted-teeth tolerance
for them amongst friends while within you is a heart pattering with glee and excitement
to the rhythm.
I once possessed the courage (or audacity) to request of a dear friend that he compile
two discs for me consisting almost entirely of tracks I would rarely, if ever, admit
to liking. The poor man, long cushioned within a classical music haven, must have
been aghast in torment with the likes of "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top and "Together
Forever" by Rick Astley. (I may never live that latter admission down.)
As I have irrevocably razed any appearance of good taste, I will continue with my
painful admissions in the form of a notorious top nine list of songs I am too embarrassed
to admit liking:
1. Cameo--Word Up
I should be embarrassed for enjoying a song performed by a man wearing a bright red
codpiece over tight, black trousers. Yet the juxtaposition of this fashion statement
to classic lines such as "we don't have the time for psychological romance" is irony
at its sweetest.
2. Hall and Oats--Maneater
"The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar...Oh, here she comes.
Watch out boy, she'll chew you up!" Poet laureates writhe in envy when confronted
with the simple brilliance of such lines.
Let us all admit that the only redeeming quality of this song, apart from its rhythm,
is John Oates's mustache.
3. Europe--The Final Countdown
Is there anything more poignant than a long-haired rocker
boldly confessing his space exploration fantasies through song? "We're heading for
Venus and still we stand tall!" (Insert dramatic fist pump here.)
Yes, there is indeed something more poignant: the song's classic synthesizer riff,
which some contend has not aged well throughout the years (preposterous!) and burrows
into the brain like an unwelcome parasite.
4. Milli Vanilli--Girl You Know It's True
This may be my most embarrassing confession yet. The Milli Vanilli lip-synching debacle
aside, this song introduces us to innovative, mathematical formulas: "Together we
are one, separated we're two."
For those of you marrying in the imminent future: Do not use this line on your cocktail
napkins.
5. Def Leppard--Pour Some Sugar on Me
Hailing from an enormously popular album that required years of painstaking preparation,
"Pour Some Sugar On Me" captures the art of verbal seduction with lyrics that include
the line, "love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on; livin' like a lover with a
radar phone."
A word of advice: please turn off the phone. Now.
6. Survivor--Eye of the Tiger
If you are not seized by a sudden, irrepressible urge to run on the sand with Apollo
Creed or work out unto the point of exhaustion, you have not lived--or heard Survivor's
"Eye Of The Tiger," Rocky III's cheesy, musical powerhouse. The first notes of this
song have me looking for the nearest punching bag and dropping down to the ground
for a series of twenty pushups--in theory, at least.
7. Kenny Loggins--Danger Zone
Donning spiked hair befitting the decade, Kenny Loggins goes from mild to wild in
this testosterone-laden song as he revs up his engine and takes "a ride into the danger
zone."
Kenny Loggins living on the edge in a horizontally striped shirt and white blazer--very
believable.
8. Chicago--Hard Habit to Break
The once innovative, jazz-infused band tiptoes into the '80s with power ballad whispers
as mellow as a Sunday afternoon picnic. Led by Peter "I am the man who will fight
for your honor" Cetera, "Hard Habit To Break" describes a woman who is harder to quit
than the most potent of narcotics.(Hearing a man whine, "being without you takes a
lot of getting used to; should learn to live with it, but I don't want to!" is a sure
prelude to a romantic evening.)
9. Debbie Gibson--Out Of the Blue
Sweeter than a packet of cherry bubblegum, "Out Of The Blue" propelled many starry-eyed
girls into teeny bop dreams of unexpected love that seemed all grown up ("I never
thought I'd realize what love was here with you."). Deep in the darkened hearts of
some, however, lurked visions of Debbie Gibson and fellow teen sensation Tiffany battling
it out in a steel cage death match at the local mall--not that I have worked out the
details.
Trekking the pathways of nostalgia through my history of "bad" taste has been pleasurable,
and while the preceding list is by no means exhaustive, the horror of it is sufficient
to last a lifetime...of wonderfully awful music.
Comments